I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
