I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
do all gilrs hav hair on thier vagaina ?
Don't drive home.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
