Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Randomize
