was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
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