Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
