Hey man sorry I got all grabby
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
