if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
