I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
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