I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Randomize
