can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Just fell off a train. Bad.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
