how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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