Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Randomize
