i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
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