why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Randomize
