honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
