Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Randomize
