I met the friendliest cop last night
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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