Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
