It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
