at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Holy sore nipples Batman
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
My feet surprised me
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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