So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
