New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Fuck appropriateness.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
