happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I'm having to shit out rocks
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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