I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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