all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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