So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
