I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
