you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
