either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
The dick lei will go down in squad history
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
