Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
