my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
