I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
