It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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