I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
