I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
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