It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I cut my penus on the lid.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
