You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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