dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
