He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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