just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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