U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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