I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
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