White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
why do cheetos always look like penises
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
