I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
