then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
