I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
