I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Randomize
