She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I could fuck to npr.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
