I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
