I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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