and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I'm bleeding and have questions
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