I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
